Why say no when one means yes

In the past, when people were not so affluent, one could not be assured of three meals a day. So when someone invites a friend or an acquaintance to dinner, it may be out of politeness and not a genuine desire to share. If the invitation is made out of politeness, then it shows a lack of breeding to accept such an invitation. At least this is the opinion of my mother's generation and the generations before hers. If the invitation is a genuine desire to share, it would be repeated perhaps two or three times. Only then can a person of breeding accept the offer, for it is now clear that it is not made out of politeness. By not accepting an invitation or a good offer at once one is seen to have the "air of a guest".

So the migrant domestic helper from another country has to contend not only with culture gap, but also the generation gap. If her employer is young and "modern" she will be less likely to consider it is in bad taste to accept an offer without hesitation. She might even consider her own mother old-fashioned. But then she might have been subconsciously influenced by her mother's generation. As far as the domestic worker is concerned, perhaps it is better to play it by ear. Begin by assuming that all locals (especially Chinese) expect the domestic helper to behave like a guest, and not accept an offer of food or drink at the first invitation. Then when the more modern employer thinks it is silly to say no when one means yes, by all means modify your behaviour.

But the older generation will not regard someone highly who does not behave like a guest. (And the domestic helper, not really part of the family, is like a guest.) I believe that many migrant domestic helpers tend to find her employer's "old-fashioned" mother, or Lola, rather difficult to understand or even consider her hypocritical or insincere. The result is often a failure to get along with Lola. On the other hand, if only they understand this idea of behaving "like a guest", they will find it easier to break the barrier between themselves and Lola. If the DH does not appear to be eager to "grab", the old lady will come to regard her in a more favourable light, she will be seen to be someone with "breeding". Then the relationship will get off to a good start.

One domestic helper Jennifer struck it off very well with Lola, but not so well with her employer. Usually it is the other way round. Because the relationship between Jennifer and Madam was not so cordial, sometimes Jennifer got a scolding for no good reason other than that Madam was in a bad mood because she had a problem in the office. Once this happened within Lola's hearing. Lola who had a good rapport with Jennifer promptly came to her defence. "Marilyn," she exclaimed, "are you mad? Why are you always picking on Jennifer."